Hurricane Irene… More like Annoy-us-cane Irene
Bom Dia, Sneaker Factorians! If you are reading this, I assume that you are safe and sound and able to get back to life after that annoying little Cat. 1 Hurricane rolled through the state. All of our stores, we are very happy to announce, are pretty much unscathed from Irene- even the Long Branch store. I, Dr. Love, spent my hurricane time doing burpees, push ups, and ab work while watching America’s best and fastest on Universal Sports channel at the World Track and Field Championships. Call me an American, but I can’t help but to revel in the fact that thus far, the good ol’ U.S. of A. is kicking some international butt. More butt to be kicked later.
The REAL story in all of this hubbub with Irene and her being VERY upset with the East Coast, is who chased her away. Like my favorite Patron Saint, Patrick of Ireland, a local man in his very unassuming way managed to scare Irene away from really doing damage to Monmouth County. This man, is Not-So-Mean Dean Shonts, originator, founder, and icon of Sneaker Factory. If this were colonial England, he would be King John- after he signed the Magna Carta when he wasn’t mean- and I, Dr. Love, would be nothing more than the Duke of Wellington. Dean Shonts, fresh off his recent hamstring injury chasing a Liger through his backyard in Shark River Hills, saw the difficulty for him and his lovely wife in working out during a hurricane that he summoned all of his strength and mite to chase off this vicious storm. Fortunately for all of us, a local news team was on the scene to catch a glimpse of this mighty showdown! As you can tell, Dean did not have power for an afternoon to shave by, and his beard is incredibly long, and incredibly awesome. It was this beard that chastened the mighty storm, and made her leave Monmouth County in one piece.
Naturally, you are all thinking- “If Dean was able to chase this storm away, why didn’t he prevent it altogether?” Certainly a valid question. Truth be told, Dean was preoccupied. As previously reported by Dr. Love last week, Dean has spotted a Liger residing in Shark River Hills. While two weeks ago, the chase for this Liger left Dean with a strained hamstring, but being born of Greek titan heritage, Dean’s muscles and emotions regenerate at 6 times the normal human rate, and his hamstring recovered fully. So as Dean was sipping on an ice cold “Dean’s New Knee” beer on his porch, he saw the pesky Liger and the chase began again. The Liger had a slight lead at the quarter mile mark, but Dean was gaining. After coming through the half mile, Dean was ready to pounce. As he lept through the air, he heard the Liger cry out in defeat, and it only took a meager 43.23 seconds for Dean to wrangle the creature to the ground just as Irene was making her way into Monmouth County.
As Irene made her way to the North. Our friend Joe Jacobs was left to carry the burden of protecting Sneaker Factoria from damage. You remember Joe Jacobs from his part in “Crossing the Sahara.” Joe was supposed to be directing the provisions truck for Team BBV, but due to his intense fear of Ligers, he was unable to make it from his ivory tower in Basking Ridge. This is all in the past thoughm that was then, this is now. Joe Jacobs, also known as Jacobis Maximus, a nickname given to him for his intense love of all things Ancient Rome- most specifically the tunic – is a total fitness force to be reckoned with. Maximus is an intense lover of the arts and creativity, and was filming a sequel to Sneaker Factory’s hit feature film “Crossing the Sahara,” entitled “Crossing Irene: We Don’t Need No Water.” As Joe thundered around North Jersey logging 193 miles this weekend, he grew tired of the storm and channeled Not-So-Mean Dean and poked Irene in the hurricane eye. Temporarily blinded and clearly off-balance, Irene moved out of New Jersey, and further inland in New York where she ran out of steam and stopped being a hurricane all together, and only a wimpy Tropical Storm.
It is a story for the ages- I have been contacted by Michael Bey in regards to the movie rights to this entire saga (his plan is for one single movie to combine all the stories, Steven Spielberg is considering an offer with a three part saga, I’m holding off for his offer). Without the dedication and perseverance of these two great Factorians, not only would there be a crazed Liger on the loose in Monmouth County, but Hurricane Irene would also have been far more violent.
We here at Sneaker Factory, on a slightly more serious note, do hope that each and every one of you out there is safe and sound in your homes. So many were affected by the storm, including ourselves, but we wish nothing for the best in the recovery after this difficult time!
-Dr. Love OUT